I’m not afraid of Death, but I was afraid of living.

TW: Suicide attempt, self harm, edge play, death.

There have been so many times in my life where thoughts of Death were the most comforting. This might sound awful, but in reality it came to shape a world where I was not afraid of it. What I was most afraid of was living. Because if I continued to fail, to flail and to disappoint myself then I would only be living a life of misery and regret. If I continued to mismanage my well being, depression, anxiety and other health issues, then I would never fulfill any purpose in this life.

Let’s flashback a little over a year.

I was utterly miserable. I was in an extremely toxic relationship that bled into every facet of my life. I was in a job where I was under appreciated and underpaid. I hated myself, inside and out. I was terrified of never being enough for anyone or even myself. When that partner left me in a catastrophic manner, aka for a mutual friend he had been pursuing for months that he had always told me would never happen (longer story there, but that’s for another time), I lost that job and my home, and a part of my sanity. I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt that ended with the cops tackling me to the ground. Complete psychotic breakdown.

It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

The road since then has been difficult, don’t get me wrong. But that little tango with my friend Death brought me so much clarity that I let him know we had to chill for a minute so I could figure out what his pal Life was all about. I’ve changed everything. I’ve become myself again. I am truly living authentically and no longer fighting so hard against myself. I accept that I feel things very strongly. Highs and lows and everything in between. Now it’s something I appreciate, at least I do most of the time. Nothing is perfect, but it’s better.

I accept that I have mental health quirks that will likely be with me forever. That doesn’t mean that I am not working to improve them. That also means that my friend Death does still come visit. That’s okay. I can handle him and we have some pretty meaningful thoughts together sometimes.

I think as a society we have come to fear so many things. Death should not be one of them. If you are afraid of it, maybe it’s a sign to truly look into your life and see what it is that you think you are missing out on now that makes you believe that the “end” is the penultimate horror story of your life. In a fear based society, everything and everyone is shouting at you that you’re in danger somehow. In danger of missing out, in danger of being a failure, in danger from the “others” that don’t fit in, etc. Nothing is more powerful than fear. It strikes us at our core. Survival instincts have become confused in the constant downpour.

The only think you are at risk of is not living the life that makes you truly happy.

So what can you do?

Say fuck it.

Operate on a wavelength that enables you to be free of that fear bullshit. How? That’s a question with about a million and one answers. You have to do the work within yourself to figure out where that fear is coming from. It’s hard work, it sucks and you’ll not want to do it. Do it anyways and you’ll be rewarded with life’s true treasures. Fuck it. Do what makes you happy. Start small, tell people you love them, go on that adventure, plan out your dream life. All that corny stuff that motivational speakers belt out at you over epic soundtracks. Do that. Do something.

Now what the hell does that have to do with Kink?

If it wasn’t for that dark period, I would never have been brave or bold enough to pursue my true desires. While edge play is only to be undertaken with the utmost care, I am utterly entranced and fascinated by it.

Again, UTMOST CARE. Educate yourself before every attempting any edge play. Learn how the body works, how your body works. Make sure your partner is incredibly aware of both you and themselves. Know your limits. Playing with these kinks is no joke. I actually just want to recommend not to do it. I know the attraction, but be sure you know the risks.

Okay, now that that is out of the way.

Wait, just one more time. BE CAREFUL. KNOW YOUR LIMITS. EDUCATE YOURSELF. KNOW THE RISKS.

*deep breath*

I am not an expert. These are just my experiences. Take it all with a grain of salt.

In the last few months, my brain has been going more and more with fantasizing about breath play, branding, fire play, knife play and a few more hardcore variations of pursuit, take down and capture. The question was how the hell can I explore these in real life while also being risk-aware and as safe as possible.

Death is my friend, but I don’t want to be with him permanently quite yet, thanks.

While I wasn’t consciously looking, I knew that the answer to that was to find a partner that was knowledgable, hell bent on safety and experienced enough to know what they were doing. Also someone who cared more about my well being than the outcome of the scene. This might seem like common sense and that everyone undertaking this kind of play would know and apply this but unfortunately it’s absolutely not the case. Please be very aware of other people’s intentions before you explore anything on the edge. Take things slow. One small thing at a time until you know you can handle the next step. If someone is pushing to go faster than you can handle, RUN.

You’re playing with fire, and that fire is your mental and physical health, it’s your life or that of your partner’s. Don’t be stupid.

It’s going to feel exhilarating. Don’t push too fast. Enjoy every step and stop as soon as you need to.

If you have problems safe wording NEVER attempt this stuff. Period. Work on that first, communication here is vital. Safe, sane, consensual.

Be ready for complications, just like rope tops should always have safety shears, Breath players should have advanced CPR training/knowledge (well everyone should), have bandages and other first aid essentials for fire, branding, knife play, pursuits, etc. Have all the tools you need in your pocket, just in case.

I know that this discussion isn’t the sexiest to have, but it’s vital for you to truly enjoy the experience. Better to be prepared and have fun! I’ll be writing more about these subjects as they reveal themselves to me so stay “tuned” for more. (A Breath play erotica post will be up this week).

xx

 

 

 

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