It was a text, in a very intense conversation about our connection, our fears of it and the intensity that was coming on too strong.
It wasn’t fair.
He had been pulling back and coming on strong randomly, seemingly when he had been drinking and had the courage to tell me what he actually felt.
It was irresponsible.
Because I wanted it. I was terrified because of my own insecurities with people and relationships, but it was the thing I wanted to hear most from him.
He never followed through, instead only reaching out late at night when he was craving my body, my submission and the way I made him feel.
He was scared too, insecurity gnawing at his soul. Always asking why I would want him. This is where I think the following behaviour came from.
But that is no excuse.
Our first date was mind-blowing, our connection was instant. Not just sexually but we were intellectually matched. But both of us confessed to insecurities that would likely make this all go up in flames. Really, I should have known.
I didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
Every time a text was ignored, I’d question everything.
Every time my attempt to plan anything fell through, I’d hurt.
Every time he’d check out, I blamed myself.
But then, every time we did spend time together, it was amazing. The conversation, the ease of being, the play, the sex.
In retrospect, I made myself far too vulnerable and I knew better, the signs were all there and I understand the human psyche enough to know that that kind of insecurity cannot be fixed by anyone but that person. I empathized too much.
The responsibility one takes on when playing with a d/s dynamic goes beyond just the scene and some immediate aftercare. I know this, because I Domme too. Really, everyone needs to know this and be ready for it before playing with anyone.
Isn’t it just, simply, human decency?
The prime example of this was I went into a very intense sub drop after one of our dates and I had to reach out to others to get the care I needed as he didn’t answer my texts or calls until hours later. And never offered the help I needed, even after I explicitly asked for it.
Do I think he is a bad person? Not at all. I still care. I still desire him. I still want that connection. But it would be stupid of me to expect anything more than what I’ve gotten. He’s not ready/prepared, and that’s something I have to accept.
You have a huge responsibility as a Dominant. We all do. Those in our care, submissives/littles/bunnies/kittens/etc, by nature must open themselves to vulnerability to really delve deep into sub-space. We have to rip ourselves open, to nothing but feelings and desires.
So if you aren’t ready to deal with that responsibility, go read a book. Watch some porn. People are not playthings, unless they’ve consented to be.
Have your casual kinky sex, indulge away. But always know that the other participant is a human being putting themselves in your care.
So what is to be learned from this for me personally? It’s my nature to feel strongly and throw caution to the wind to live through fully, denying that part of myself only leads to more misery, depression and anxiety. I do need to tighten up my negotiation skills and communicate more clearly what works for me and what doesn’t.
Just to be clear, I don’t regret any decision I made. I don’t feel like a victim. This is just a part of my journey and I am grateful for it. I am rediscovering my capacity for love and it’s a beautiful thing. If that means I have to lick my wounds now and again, I’ll take it.
Lesson learned. Next?